Work is just work?

When Josh first asked me if I would go with him to the Caribbean, I was like “um, go hang out on a beautiful island for 2 years and not have to work?  Hell ya!”  People asked me “You’re going to leave your job?  But you love your job.  What if you do long distance for two years until he’s back in the states?”  To me the answer was simple I love this man, I want to spend the rest of my life with him, nothing makes me happier than to be around him, and yes I love my job but it’s still just a job.  Work is still work, it’s not THAT fun.  Still he was very concerned about me leaving my career behind to follow his dreams.  Now I have a full understanding of why he felt this was such a big sacrifice, because I’m not really the kind of girl who likes to sit around and be on vacation for 2 years.  I didn’t fully realize but a whole lot of my self-identity is wrapped up in what I do for a living.  In the Mexican culture our mantra is “We work to live, not live to work”, and I’m a big believer in enjoying life and not missing it because of work.  However there’s another side of me that is ambitious. I want a career that fulfills me, one that I can be proud of and help people.  Without that there is a little piece of me missing.  Sure I have little side jobs to keep me busy, but it’s not quite the same.  I’m not working towards my long term goals of having a private practice of my own and teaching at a community college part-time.  Everything feels on hold.  And when I look to the future it feels as though things will never go back to the way they used to be, because for the next 4 years I’m going to be following my husband to where ever his clinicals are and then to where ever his residency is.  After that we want to start a family.  I used to be single, I used to live my life just for me….now I’ve started my own family, and for the first time I’m truly realizing just what that is going to mean. 

Rapture

Today is supposed to be The Rapture, where the world supposedly ends, or at least that is what I heard on Facebook.  I definitely don’t believe in that kinda stuff, however it did make me think, what would I do if today really was my last day on earth?

Josh said he would be very pissed that he spent his final day on earth studying for monday’s block exams.  Personally, I don’t think working towards your dream with your beautiful wife by your side is a bad way to go J  He said he’d rather spend the day cuddling with me watching a movie….aw, now is that not the greatest husband in the world or what!

If I had to design my final day this is how it would go…We’d be in our little Santa Monica apartment snuggling all morning in bed.  Walk down to the coffee shop and sit out on the patio drinking some sort of 900 calorie blended coffee drink that I usually don’t allow myself to have and read in the sun.  I would interrupt Josh every few minutes to tell him something funny about my book or some random thought that passes through my mind, he hates that but I love it J  We’d have all our good friends over that evening for a BBQ out on our deck, tofu satays for our veggie friends and a big juicy ribeye steak for me.  We would spend the evening talking, laughing, listening to music, and drinking wine.  We would get a little too tipsy causing a dance party to break out on the deck, just like on my (28^th?).  Finish the night off with cigars and scotch by the firepit talking about how we should do this more often.  It would look kinda like this…

Fifteen years ago today

Fifteen years ago today my father died.  As of now I’ve been living longer without him than I did with him.  It was a Monday morning.  I was in high school, nearing the end of my freshman year, in my Physical Education class.  They called me out, told me to change, that there’s been an emergency and my mother was coming to pick me up.  That’s about the worst thing someone can say, that something has happened but not what.  For the next 20 minutes or so I ran through the scenarios in my head.  I think my aunt was pregnant at the time and I thought maybe she’d had the baby and they wanted to take me to the hospital to see it.  I concluded that was unlikely.  I knew in my gut that someone was either dying or had already died.  And this part I feel guilty about, I thought about who I could stand to lose and who I couldn’t.  I knew my mother was safe, because they said she was coming to get me.  I never thought it would be my dad, never even ran through my head.  I remember the lady in the office wouldn’t look at me.  My mom came in with my stepdad to sign me out.  She looked like she had been crying and my stepdad looked somber.  It seemed like an eternity from the moment they got there until we walked out of the office, I could barely stand it.  My mom told me in the hallway.  It had been a car accident the night before but they’d only found him that morning.  It was a shock.  To this day I can’t remember a time in my life when I felt worse than that very moment.  Right now I feel shaky inside even writing this post.  I don’t often think of the details of that morning like I am now that I’m writing it out.  But I think it’s good to allow the feelings to wash over me instead of trying to fight them, I did that for too long and I don’t think you can really process things if you don’t allow yourself to feel the pain.  At least that’s what I used to tell my patients in therapy.  Although at this point, I’m positive the pain never truly goes away.  But that’s a good thing, people live in our hearts forever and so they are never truly gone.

I miss you dad.

Love,

The Beautiful Lyssa Marie

Planned for the worst

I had been a little nervous about moving here.  Every thing happened so fast…one minute we’d just got engaged the next we were married, selling all our belongings and moving to the Caribbean for two years.  I mean I knew for about 2 years that Josh was applying to some schools in the Caribbean and that I would go with him but it seemed like some far away distant option that probably wouldn’t happen.  In the end it did happen, we made the final decision that we were really going to go about 8 weeks before we left.  Eight weeks is not a lot of time to leave your job, say goodbye to friends and family, and move out of the country.  On top of that I was nervous about being a newlywed and having us plucked out of our happy Santa Monica lives where we have plenty of free time to spend together and stranded on a tropical island where he is stressed and has no free time and I have no friends or family or job.  I was afraid it was going to be a major adjustment having him so busy all the time and I’d be lonely and bored and possibly depressed.  Luckily it has not been nearly as bad as I was prepared for.  Yes, he’s busy and stressed, and ALWAYS studying but I see him for lunch and dinner and sometimes he studies at home while I read.  Something about working from home makes me feel like he’s still spending time with me even though he’s in his office working.  It’s only been 3 weeks but I’m feeling optimistic that our relationship can definitely handle medical school and I’m not going to be the sad little wife sitting at home missing her husband wishing we were back to our old Santa Monica lifestyle.  This new life will do just fine.  I’m getting used to short showers, sudden rain storms, humidity, an almost non-existent salary, new friends and skyping with friends and family.  Not the skeetos though, I’m still at war with those skeetos!

Papadan

I’ve decided I’m also going to review restaurants on my blog, because I like doing it and there is no Yelp here…I mean how else do you hold restaurants accountable!  Like the other day at Brother Jimmy’s all-you-eat ribs, lame.  And who can I tell without Yelp?  Nobody.  Well now I have a forum and I intend to use it!  But I’ll review Brother Jimmy’s another time because I’m going to give them a second chanceJ

My first review is of Papa Dan’s Pizza. Actually I don’t even know if that’s the name of it because it just says “pizzeria” on his stand but I think he calls himself Papa Dan because on skype his name is Papadan.  In my head I always think of him as papadan, one word.  Anywho, Papadan is a transplant from France he has a wonderful French accent, I just love hearing him chat with customers in French. French is definitely one of the coolest sounding languages on the planet!  So basically Papadan stands in his pizzeria all day taking orders from an open window.  Here’s a tip: If you don’t want to wait for the pizza to cook and cool then skype in the order ahead of time.  Genius! He has many pizzas; from traditional like margarita and pepperoni all the way to non-traditional like pizza with pepperoni, blue cheese, and honey.  He said the honey-on-pizza is a Caribbean thing, which as newbies on the island we definitely wanted to try.  We did the pepperoni with blue cheese and honey.  I have to say the honey was great, until about 2 slices then it started to settle and coagulate in my tummy and I decided next time to just stick with just pepperoni.  Josh is a little sad about that because he really liked the honey.  Maybe papadan will do a ½ and ½ order…I’ll have to ask him.  The prices are around $13-15 for a regular pizza that will feed two people.  We even had leftovers, which we left on the kitchen counter for two seconds and the ants got (I think it was that damn honey). Josh of course says the pizza is good but not the best he’s had (he’s a pizza snob being from NJ).  My assessment is the flavor is great, the dough is alright, somewhere between meh and good.  I usually skip the crusts anyway unless it’s fabulous, just because I’d rather not waste my time on bread, I love the pepperoni. Another tip: if you like spice ask him for some of his special spicy sauce, and when he asked you “the really spicy one?” say yes, apply with restraint though or you will be sorry. My second visit I ordered a “student special” which is an individual sized pizza that he sells for half the price.  It’s actually a little bigger than an individual and we shared it for lunch and were satisfied.  In conclusion I would say we will probably frequent Papadan’s because it’s walking distance from our home and the school, he’s cool and the pizza is good.  Although our friend Jared who is a 4^th semester said we should also try the pizza at this place called the something pineapple…

Lyssa versus The Skeetos

I’m sitting here in our little living room…the lights are dimmed, there is a glow from the office where Josh is working, I can see his computer from here, he’s looking at slides of cells and a bit ago there was a slide of a vagina and I teased him about enjoying his studies.  The whole front part of our apartment is lined with windows (the slit kind where you have to crank the handle to turn them up), they are all open and a breeze is flowing through our transparent white curtains.  I can hear sounds coming from outside, some sort of animal I have no idea which kind, maybe grasshoppers.  When the windows are open, which is often because it’s like 85 degrees everyday here, you can hear everything that happens outside.  For instance, all afternoon I listened to two gardeners carry on a conversation for 3 hours in a language I didn’t understand.  I was trying to figure out if it was Dutch, or some sort of islander dialect, or English even with a heavy accent.  I don’t know how they got any work done between all the gabbering. 

Josh just yelled to me that he doesn’t think our mosquito light zapper thingy is working because he just killed two mosquitos himself and I think I might have just lost the will to LIVE.  These mosquitos are attacking my sanity. They’ve won many battles and I think they are going to take the war.  I was optimistic but that’s fading quickly. That zapper was my last hope! Today I had to go down to the pharmacy because I had two bites that had swollen to 2-3 inches in diameter and were itching and burning so much that I couldn’t stand it anymore.  I must be allergic and there must be some sort of mutated heavy duty mosquitos that live around here.  The pharmacist gave me antihistamines and told me to take two which helped but my guess is that it’s temporary relief unless I want to be doped up on antihistamines for the next year and a half.  Josh, on the other hand, has been bit like once.  Good for him. I’ve decided that 20 months is about as long as my sweet blood and I will ever live on a tropical island.

Other than that, I’m adjusting well J

Brother Jimmy's

I’ve been to Brother Jimmy’s two times now, once on sat with friends for the all-you-can-eat buffalo wings and beers ($18 per person).  We had a good time but our service was really slow and when we went to order a 3^rd order they cut us off saying there was a 2 hour time limit.  Well excuse me, but you’re waitress was super slow and we were being accommodating by not complaining and now we’re being cut off!  Lame.  Didn’t really feel we got our money’s worth. And when you’re a huge buffalo wing fan and you are prepared to have as many as your little hard desires, and you’ve had a couple beers, being cut off is infuriating! However we decided to give them a second try, mainly because I really like their X-Hot buffalo wings.  They are the best I’ve had on the island, but of course I’ve only tried two other places (sunset—sucked, and greenhouse—ok).  Anyway, as we are big fans of B wings when we have a craving we want the best around, regardless of lame rules or bad service.  So we went again this last weekend, only this time no all-you-can-eat special.  We ordered a bucket of wings for $15, and 4 beers for $16. We were plenty full with that and will probably skip the all-you-can-eat just so we don’t have to keep ordering smaller batches and worry about time limits.  I’ve also tried the ribs and I must say, very not impressed.  They were dry so dry that the ends were as hard as a rock, you only get ½ a rack and they are expensive. The sides sucked that came with it coles slaw, pickles, corn bread, and fries (I mean come on, how do you mess up French fries?!).  If you want good ribs, it seems that tons of places do all-you-can-eat ribs on this island, go with the Harbor Queen (or maybe it’s Queen Harbor) they are the best I’ve had on the island so far.

Carousel for gelato!

The Spouses Organization had a fun event the other day “Gelato Day” (self explanatory).  We went down to the Carousel where they sell gelato.  I don’t know if that’s the name of the place but it’s where the big carousel is on the island, which if you’re here I’m sure you’ve heard people talking about it...or, maybe I’ve just heard about it a lot because my S.O. sponsor is a gelato fiend! :)   One scoop is $3, two scoops $5.  I made a big mistake and got two scoops because I couldn’t decide and all the flavors I sampled were tasty!  They let you sample any flavor you want, but they don’t look happy about it.  They don’t look happy about anything come to think of it.  I sampled chocolate, strawberry and coconut...all VERY delicious.  I had a bite of my friend’s Kiwi and I thought it was meh, but she loved it.  My analysis: Just as good as the gelato in Italy, of course it has been 4 years since I was last there...but go, it will not disappoint.  Unless you get two scoops and are disappointed that you can’t finish both and half to throw half of it out like I did.

Escape.

Sometimes when things are difficult I have these thoughts, like what if I hoped on a plane back to LA drove to Santa Maria walked right into my parents home and into the arms of my mother who is safe and nurturing and loving and I can be a kid again.  Because the truth is sometimes I feel like I’m only just a kid.  Sometimes I want to be back in that space where things are easy and comfortable.  That’s the yin.  The yang in me says no, get out of your comfort zone, see the world, don’t settle, challenge yourself…or else it’s not a life.  The  theme always running through my head is always to live your life so you will have no regrets in those last moments just before you die and you can say, yes I lived and loved and I was happy and it was a good life.  I think I think this way largely because my dad died suddenly at an early age, he was only 36, and now that I am turning 30 I understand just how young that really is.  So I know we can go suddenly at any time.

Nearing the anniversary of his death, thoughts of him always creep into my thoughts just like they creeped into this post that started with me just having feelings of wanting to escape.  It’s nearing 15 years and this anniversary is significant to me because it begins the point where I have now been without him longer than I was with him.  That’s significant for some reason.  I don’t know why.

Okay now I’m starting to think all those thoughts that make me sad, like he’ll never meet my husband, he never knew that I traveled and went to UCLA just like he dreamed, he won’t know his grandchildren, and I never got to be friends with him the way an adult child eventually does with their parents and learn who he was inside… instead of thinking these things I’m going to think about how grateful I am that his death made me appreciate life.  I’m going to continue trying to live my life to the fullest to honor him.  That’s the best I can do.

I miss you dad, spending 15 years without you has sucked balls big time!

St. Maarten--12 days in.

We’ve been on the island now almost 2 weeks.  We came so Josh could go to medical school here; St. Maarten for two years then 2 years doing clinical rotations in the states.  We live in a little studio apartment that is just big enough for two people, in a wonderful building that our Spouses Organization sponsor recommended.  Thank goodness for her because a lot of the apartments we were considering look much better in the pictures than in real life, and as far as I’m concerned we got the best place that was in our price range.  Our landlords are the sweetest people you could ever imagine being your landlord.  They fully stocked our place and insist on me supplying then with a list of additional items they can buy to make the place more homely.  They also took us out to a very nice rib dinner our first night, which we thought was a nice touch.  I think taking care of your tenants is a wonderful business plan, in return we want to do nothing but take good care of the place and be excellent tenants back.

We have met lots of wonderful people, come to think of it I don’t think I’ve met one person who wasn’t extremely friendly….locals, students and spouses, all of them!  There is a Spouses Organization that provides us with events, guidance, and job opportunities.  My sponsor happens to be the President of the S.O., Jackie, and she is wonderful. I definitely hit the jackpot getting assigned to her!  She picked us up from the airport, gives me the skinny on job opportunities, showed us the ins and outs of island life and introduces us to everyone.  There are lots of girlfriends, wifes, mothers, husbands even...it’s a great support network.

Even though it is beautiful here it is a poor island and it is an adjustment.  People might think, it’s so beautiful, you’re living in paradise, what is there to miss?  But there is nothing like home.  And this doesn’t feel like home yet.  I feel a little homesick at times.  I feel a little bored at times.  I miss having my full time job and feeling like there were a work-related purpose to life every day, instead of just feeling like I’m floating around trying to find stuff to keep me busy doing things that don’t really utilize what I went to school for (and doesn’t pay much).  Don’t get me wrong I love doing coffee cart in the mornings, talking to all the students and meeting some of the staff.  I’m very grateful that UCLA kept me on as a consultant and has sent me some stuff to work on, I’ll be an author on a datapoint article I’m writing for a journal.  Also Jackie tutors this very cute and sweet 3 year old Indian boy named Shiva, his parents work at Josh’s school and in a month I might take over for her while she takes on a full time teaching position at the local private school.  So it’s nice to have those things but still not the same as before where I was at home working under my license at a job that I loved.

Here’s what I’ve learned about the island so far…

There are a lot of mosquitoes and nothing quite works to keep them away from me...I’ve tried the deet sprays, the citronella anklettes (that make me look like I’m on housearrest), the tennis racket zapper, and I’ve read about the lantern zapper, none of it works!  I am always hot outside and then freezing at the school.  We eat healthier because eating heavy foods just doesn’t feel right on an island.  Beer is extremely cheap, soda is expensive.  I will pay too much for bad wine, and now that I left California I don’t know if that will ever change.  Fruits and vegetables are expensive, don’t look as good and don’t last long.  Actually all food is expensive, whether you cook for yourself or go out, except for pizza and the Thai place in the casino.  Nobody wears makeup or cares what you look like.  Everyone is friendly.  If you say Good Morning it’d better be morning not the afternoon, they are specific here.  All the island cars look like they’ve been transplanted from Mexico.  The roads have major pot holes, I don’t know how our car makes it a week without needing new tires.  Hot water only lasts 3 minutes in the shower, and there is no water pressure.